Note: This column is the second in a five-part series focusing on topics that Nina and Paul Winans will cover at the Remodelers Advantage 2019 Couples Retreat Workshop February 7-8, 2019.
Conflict is inevitable in many aspects of your life. One’s goal needs to be to handle conflict effectively.
Disagreements are part of any relationship. At work or at home, with employees or bosses, with your spouse or your children—arguing will happen.
Some people are comfortable with yelling and flushed faces. Big family dinners with loud voices and in-your-face discussions are normal for them. And after those theatrics, everyone more or less gets along.
Other folks do everything they can to not argue. A tight lid is kept on all disagreements. The outcome is a lot of internal angst and frustration, with the underlying issues never being discussed.
Understanding your own relationship to conflict and that of your partner’s is essential for constructively discussing issues that matter to one or both of you. Like most things in life, it takes work and practice to get better at doing this.
Just a couple of the many points to keep in mind when arguing are:
“I” Instead of “You”
Focusing your conversation around what you think your partner is doing that aggravates you is often unproductive. Your partner is likely to become defensive and stop being engaged.
Instead, use “I” statements.
- “When this occurs, I feel this way.”
- “I am not sure about what we agree on. What am I missing?”
By talking about what you know, instead of pointing out what you think your partner knows, you are more likely to be heard.
The Issue, Not Each Other
Ineffective arguments focus on the other person. When that happens, both parties are prone to attacking one another, with the interaction becoming pointless and depressing. Nothing gets resolved. The likelihood of further such unpleasant instances grows.
Good arguments—yes, there are such things—focus on an issue. You and your partner can disagree about how to handle an issue. By working together to understand one another’s points of view, it becomes more likely that an agreement can be reached on how to handle the issue.
A big opportunity we all have is learning how to argue effectively. Doing so makes it possible for agreements to be reached and positive changes to be made. And that makes progress towards a better future possible.
Give yourselves these outcomes in your lives at home and at work.