Saving Relationships It’s a steep and slippery slope from a seemingly ambiguous comment to a full-blown, gloves-off battle when three factors are in place, says Ron McMillan, co-author of Crucial Confrontations.
The first factor is that the stakes are high. What’s being said or implied speaks to somebody’s integrity, performance, or some other personal issue. The second is opposing opinions. And the third factor — strong emotions — often spins out of the first two.
“Suddenly we’re not talking about the weather or the ball game,” McMillan says. “We’re talking about things that really matter to each of us.”
He and his colleagues say you should first identify the “target” of your conversation — the real issue, or at least the most important one. Distill the issue or violation to a single sentence (lengthy descriptions tend to obscure the core issue).
To identify and distill the target, think CPR:
Content refers to a one-time incident, such as a disagreement or someone caught smoking in a client’s home.
Pattern refers to a behavior that has recurred over time, such as a lead carpenter’s history of ignoring punch-list guidelines.
Relationship refers to when a series of disappointments has undermined trust or respect. McMillan says these are the toughest conversations to have, but if you don’t have them — or if you address only the content or pattern — you’ll have the same conversation over and over.
With the issue defined, consider the possible consequences of drawing attention to it. The confrontation is probably worth having, McMillan says, if there was a clear broken promise or if your conscience says that not speaking could make matters worse. If it’s a one-time problem with a person you may not see again, it may not be worth the effort.
Cooling Down If the other party is emotionally charged, one skill set that Ron McMillan recommends employing AMPP:
Ask an open-ended question to get the conversation rolling. If he or she goes silent, gently persist. “No, really, I’d love to hear what happened.”
Mirror the other person’s strong emotion. “You seem pretty upset. Want to share it with me?” Make it safe for them to talk.
Paraphrase for understanding. Don’t parrot, but take your best guess at what you think the other person is saying. “So you’re upset because you think I’m micro-managing you?”
Prime the pump. Flesh out the details of what they’re not saying, in a way that assures them you won’t get defensive or angry. “I’m wondering if the problem began with the Johnson project, when I started asking for weekly progress reports?”