A critical key, McMillan says, is to do it in a way that is focused and calm. “When you feel emotion coming on, hit ‘pause,’” he says. “Ask yourself: ‘What result do I really want — for me, for the other person, and for the relationship?’” What’s inside the other person’s head, for that matter?
“Emotions start to drain when you ask these questions,” McMillan says. He calls the first 30 seconds into a crucial confrontation “the hazardous half-minute.”
If you can buy time, do. Jim Strite of Strite Design + Remodel, in Boise, Idaho, recently found himself preparing to meet with a client who was withholding a large final payment on a $400,000-plus project. Strite, a longtime meditator with a preternatural sense of calm, focused on “centering” himself, so as not to be emotional. “I knew that if I could get them to understand that I’m there for them, and that I understand where they’re coming from, they will in turn start listening to me,” he says.
The meeting wasn’t easy, but by essentially listening, keeping cool, and systematically going through the bill and the contract, Strite was paid that day.
RELAXING THE EGO Management consultant Theresa Gale also recommends taking a moment before engaging another person in a difficult conversation. First, consider the possibility that you may have done something to cause the problem. “Conflict is a two-way street,” says Gale, co-owner and principal of Transform Inc., which has many remodeling clients. Did you clearly define your expectations? Could you have miscommunicated?
Second, she says, don’t get personal. “Take it away from being about the person, and think of it as a challenge to be overcome,” Gale says. One method that works particularly well with employees, she says, “is to use the company as the third person. Define the desirable behavior in the context of the company,” as in ‘This is how we live at Smith Design. These are our acceptable behaviors.’
Third, “practice the skill of curiosity,” Gale says. “Engage in a conversation that is blameless and open, so neither side takes it personally.”
Humility can also go a long way toward defusing a tense situation. “One thing that really good managers understand is that it can help to fall on your sword,” Gale says. If you and another person seem to be on different pages, for example, try saying, ‘I must not have communicated this as well as I should have.’ Says Gale: “Relax the ego, stand outside yourself, and you’ll create a sense of openness.”
DISTILLING THE ISSUE A variation of these strategies helped remodeler Jeff King salvage a relationship when a client unintentionally sent him an e-mail. His San Francisco company, Jeff King & Company, relies heavily on e-mail for communicating with clients. The misdirected message — intended for the woman’s husband — indicated that she thought King had been gouging the couple on change orders. She questioned whether they should have hired another company for a particular change order.
The note was distressing, King says. “We really pride ourselves on being fair.” Intending to restore his clients’ trust, he set up a meeting with the couple. After catching up on the job, he confronted the issue, assuring them that he wanted them to be “my clients for life,” and encouraging them to talk about the source of their concern. The conversation shattered the tension that had been building up and started “this amazing dialogue. They knew we were on their side,” he says.